I am daydreaming about my youth today!

       I have been exploring these thoughts all morning, what else carries over from our youth, under ten our “formative years”. Friends that I made then are still in my life, they know me better than most even if we only talk so often, when we do it is as if we never missed a beat. This theme has repeated itself over the years, particularly when the situation was immersive, school or work even the neighborhood that I lived in.  My opinion is that we begin to form our character early on. The way we will react to adversity or kindness.This also shows up in what our expectations from our parents and friends. We learn what we expect or feel is deserved to us may not be not reality, so we begin to live and we learn. The innocence of youth is what is most missed by me and many, of course you have to be self aware to know you are no longer innocent.

         As a kid in Brooklyn, then Queens the financial status of my family was lost to me. We could have been rich for all I knew, my Mom and Grandparents gave me everything that I wanted (food mainly) seriously toys and love. Who cared then about a backyard or swings we had schoolyards or the terrace, mostly there was so many kids to play with. That is what stuck the way we interact with each other that started at a time when we were like clay pliable and thick. Summers were the time that I looked forward to, the day when my Mom took me to that yellow line of busses in the Bronx. It started before that day, shopping for my trunk, the clothes that she sewed my name into or stamped on the sheets. Fishing pole some new sneakers. Not one of these things did I come home with, usually the clothes had some one else’s name on them everything else broken and lost to the great wilds of Copake. Camp friends are different than others, we had a bond that formed around some core issues, no parents having shacks with girls on the other side of our units. Camp counselors always seemed so much older than the kids that they were.

         I learned some things about camp that are so amusing to me know from the parents that sent us there for 9 weeks year after year. First thing is as soon as that last yellow bus turned off of Pelham Pkwy, our caring loving folks erupted into cheers, some going to celebrate their coming weeks of freedoms with cocktails and lord knows what else. Secondly the ones that I spoke to about this as an adult told me that they were so happy with the freedom that we were barely an afterthought for most of the summer. Back then the fears that we have now about safety, crazy bad things that happen to kids or so many modern worries simply did not affect them.  That ride to Copake is the longest two and a half hours, riding upstate watching the urban concrete of the Bronx fade into rolling hills of green grass kept me looking out the window in amazement.  

         These days there is not much that matches the emotion of wonder, with one exception, put me on a plane and drop me off in a different city. Then let me wander the streets, find the little haunts that that city holds dear all the while not really knowing where I am exactly.  With some more thought I will come up with some other stuff that might come close, but sadly my friends and I will never be divided into bunks, cabins or shacks again. Hey maybe we can just get some connecting suites at the Venetian, stroll around sin city and get tickets to Cirque de somehohahe.

Scott VS Liver Cancer

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          Where to go and what to do?

          The ebb and flow of having Cancer caused me to pull back from friends at times, seek out my friends at others. One of the first things that the obligatory Cancer books that were given to me made a great point, you cannot judge how your friends and loved ones act towards you anymore. The situation is such that it is hard for others to communicate with you, they feel they must spare feelings, watch what they say and generally all of that makes it awkward. It also lets everyone of the hook, as it should be to grow you have to let go. Letting go of expectations, projecting how you think others should act towards you because you’re sick is nothing but a pity party. From the experiences I have had with others with Cancer it has become painfully aware to me that it is hard to say the right thing at times. After all if a person with Cancer has a hard time figuring out what the right thing to say to another with Cancer, it must be even harder for a healthy concerned friend to always keep a conversation free of uncomfortable topics.

             This is another lesson that you need not get Cancer to learn from, stop expecting people to act the way you want them to, or get used to being disappointed or constantly annoyed. Pretty sure if you’re this way you know it or maybe this will turn on the light. We do not want to figure out what might offend you, so stop trying to be offended you selfish putz. Do not set us up for failure because you are so needy, lighten up drop the expectations let’s get back to being young at heart without the complexities of emotional baggage. If this is hitting home, sorry but check it out this is how we learn to be better humans. Now you know for me you cannot say the wrong thing, if you do I will tell you politely, we will move on and that’s that.

             The thing is that when my disposition had me not answering the phone, returning calls or communicating with people near to my heart it was a grave mistake. It felt hard to do, it was easier to just not deal with anyone.

      Well not any more I want to hear from everyone; life is too short when you have friends that are as amusing as mine. Half of you should be comics because you already act like clowns (just kidding), seriously travel great conversation this is what fills the soul. Life is not that hard as a matter of opinion it’s pretty easy you live every day. Short of you taking the big sleep on purpose tomorrow will come, the light of day will turn to night and yet day again.

     This blog needs to do one thing for me if at all possible, please send me some good ideas for short inexpensive trips. If anyone knows any travel agent type covert maneuvers pass them on, quickly please. Like I always hear someone tell me how they got comped at Harrah’s, why is it always Harrah’s by the way. No desire to zip line thru the Jungle and get flesh eating bacteria, or to sit in the sun all day we have that every day here in South Florida. This is why I need some help finding it out, by the way thank you in advance for the invitation, I am a shitty houseguest snore really loud wander in and out of the house at all hours and leave the TV on while I listen to podcasts. This leaves only Hotels, cabins in the woods or maybe an RV with a driver, or a Yacht yes a Yacht anyone have one they forgot about?

Scott VS Cancer

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It is so easy to do

       The truth is that there are no rules that are steadfast when it comes to our health, you all know the story about the marathon health nut who one day had a heart attack dropping dead at a young age. Then we say something to the sound of “When it’s your time”. When I say that Cancer taught me some valuable lessons this is one, one that makes me very happy to have learned.  A human can do everything with nothing but purity, a heart and soul of the Mother Theresa and change nothing

                   Steve jobs, Farrah Fawcet, Adam Yauch AKA MCA of the Beasties, and all three with unlimited resources, Doctors seeking them out to try to help cure their Cancer. Farrah documented her battle in a very public emotional way, she was surrounded by love traveled to different parts of the planet for help, desperately fighting. Steve Jobs was less open about his condition, for good reason but no less diligent in his efforts. I do not know very much about Adam Yauch’s efforts nut I do know this about him. He had the aforementioned resources; more importantly in my way of thinking he had something much more important he was right with the world. His fight to free Tibet while being a practicing Buddhist, charitable in money and spirit. Farrah the icon that had millions of fans, Jobs an innovator who employed so many creating a brand people the world over are dedicated consumers of. Yet they succumb to the disease.

                           Humbly without self deprecation thinking that the actions I take are better or different than anyone’s teaches me a simple lesson. There is nothing to fear or regret in this life, (unless you are a garbage human). What can you regret; we do good, sometimes not so much,----hey don’t be so hard on yourself . My friend’s family or people who I interact with, for no matter how brief let me know that my essence is good, as is yours.  This is a lesson to us all live life controlling what you can, be kind to strangers if you can afford it leave a big tip, if for you to leave 30% doesn’t hurt your budget why not give it to someone working hard whose day it just might change. I have a list of things that we can do every day that will make someone else happy. Hold that door, forgive others for their inability to understand this simple philosophy. Simply put be nice please, save your bad mood by putting someone else in a good one.

     You see the point, no matter what we all go, these Iconic people will be remembered for good. They put out positive energy, were taken early yet impacted millions in a positive way. Go through life being a creep and be remembered for just that. Me I would rather spread positive thoughts, when it’s time next week or twenty five years from now I will know that my time was spent well here.

Scott VS Liver Cancer

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Food is fun!

       We love food, if your reading this it is no secret that food has been one of life’s greatest indulgences. My first job was a bussing tables at the world famous Ben’s Best deli on Queens Blvd, here is a link to Bens Best still open after nearly sixty years. The greatest part of that job was the window to a bygone era, my grandparents youth by the eighty’s Deli’s were on the way out. Working there was a true Original career Deli Man, Howard his wife Beatrice worked with him as a waitress, an extremely sweet large Jewish couple Beatrice coddled me with food, Howard with stories about his youth they had warmth that felt like family. Comically straight out of central casting was Bob a waiter there who was probably sixty five plus, he surely had sleep apnea, he would fall out every time he sat for a break. With his gold jacket buttoned, climbing up over his expansive belly head doing touch and goes while Harold had a paper bag blown up tied and ready to pop, poor Bob always jumped out of his seat reaching for his trusty pad ready to take the next order.

      I got that job only because of my taste for those Hebrew National dogs grilled and crunchy, ordered simply as “one with” meaning deli mustard and kraut. When it was busy, the counter man would yell to the block man. An order comes in, the counterman yells to the Block guy 2 pistols with (pastrami with mustard on rye) etc, fast communication causing the men to move quickly with efficiency so the maximum amount of customers can be served fast.  Square Knishes, special cut fries bowls of pickles, sour half sour with sour tomatoes then the health salad. Even then I knew the health salad could not have been too healthy as they made it with a whole lot of sugar. Bens was a machine serving a loyal and large clientele. I to this day can make a living cutting Corned beef and Pastrami, and certainly would have fun doing it.

       My love affair with food from my neighborhood in Queens did not just begin and end with Bens, they was Pizza at Adili’s this and crispy that you can fold in half and it would crack down the middle., or a Sicilian slice from Tony’s a super thick light and airy dough with lots of sauce and cheese.  In between the Pizza places & Ben’s my young food addicted self found another indulgence at the Falafel king, Sol Levy’s family owned it, so maybe that is where my young palette had the nerve to try something so exotic at the time. This was falafel perfection each ball scooped and cooked when you ordered it hot and put in a soft pita with salad hummus and tahini. By the way all this food was under two bucks with a drink, try that now.

      I can go through every period of my life no matter where I lived; there is a comfort food there that brought me pleasure. Of course there are things in life I enjoy way more than food, not too many but a few. So now at this stage of my life all hat pizza is gone, ironically my dear friend owns some of the best pizza places in South Florida. I do not wish this on anyone, lactose intolerance is one mean son of a b**ch, it is truly like you have been poisoned. So Pizza nope, a hot dog, come on how can we eat hot dogs, nitrates lips butts and other unmentionable parts. Falafel is on the grid, Mr. Levy where are you because for sure you’re not near me. I am trying to just tell myself hey, self indulgence it’s just food and it is. It doesn’t mean that I can’t complain, often and loudly

        I will survive my kale shakes, gluten free dairy free pizza or whatever else may become my go to favorite, but it’s fun to reminisce.

        On another note thank you so much for the responses it is so great that you have read this, I look forward to doing this for a long time, so they will improve over time. I will be adding links to some great websites, podcasts or whatever that might be interesting. If you have a site or a blog and would like to trade links please email me.

Scott VS Liver Cancer

Lucky or Not?

      

        There is nothing new to this situation of mine, so many of us if not all have been touched by Cancer or some other illness that takes our loved ones early. An illness a disease as horrific as it is most of the times gives some time for us to prepare our hearts and minds for what may come.  My particular situation is a long term thing, with care, luck and the support, not limited just to family and friends but caring health professionals my disease will be treated as a chronic one. This is going to give me time, hopefully a long time. This gives me a unique perspective of observation and reflection, often this leads to a positive change, letting go of the nonsense and living in the positive. So is this “luck”? Can’t be considered lucky to have Stage 4 liver Cancer, for sure it was lucky to be caught early. Extremely lucky that my Aunt Susan stopped on a TV station that I never would have and found my Oncologist. Even luckier he happened to be talking about liver Cancer at that exact moment. Some may call that divine intervention, others may call it fate me all of the above and lucky.

       Now when it comes time to feel bad for myself it only takes a moment for me to snap out of it, you see how many times in our lives was luck not even a factor. Just yesterday it was told to me that a healthy and happy man was on his way to work, he was the victim of another driver’s mistake. This mistake took his life leaving behind all of his loved ones. His family had no time to prepare their hearts and minds for this; he was just ripped away in a moment by a tragic mistake. I have many stories like this, so how dare I have a pity party for myself when this can happen, to any of us including me or you. Death comes for us all, for me it may or may not come sooner than it should. For sure being able to understand mortality is an advantage over the suddenness of a tragic accident.

      So luck is clearly about perspective, any situation can be looked at from many sides but how do you reconcile having your loved one ripped away. You don’t it is just life we grieve and we go forward, that is what any of us would want if it was us that passed over.

         Cancer: Improvement in Personal Habits?

 Cancer is a pain in the ass, while this can be the understatement of the week or a lifetime it really is. the Medicine, Doctors plus all the ancillary bullshit. You learn to deal with so many different things that you just would not expect to ever happen to you, I am only 45 not 90. So when I wake up creaking and grunting it is like someone else is in the room, an old version of Scott. Today I had somewhere to be at 8:30 am so of course, my alarm was set for 7, 7:20 & 7:45 none of these even stirred me. So when at 9:00 I get up jump in the shower and race within reason to my destination, it occurs to me that since this started my terrible habit of being the last minute arrival has changed. It is not at all common for me to get anywhere on time now I am always early. How did this happen, then more self reflection since. Cancer I am neater, better at follow through and almost a responsible guy. Now B.C. it wasn't like my habits were awful, but I was that guy late for meetings by three minutes, without getting into the ugly details lets just say there was a positive shift in my personal habits.

             I noticed this prior to today, here is why this is happening to me right now. When you here the news that you have a life threatening illness that most people do not survive three years with, most people I spoke to say they went through a bucket or two of personal reflection. It's gotta to be different for everyone, we all have such diverse experiences that it can only be such. What would you do? What would you ask yourself? Will you be scared or blame someone anyone including yourself. The answer is yes and no, with the grace of god you will not have to ask yourself these hard questions.
   
        Now I have stated that Cancer is a pain in the ass, but wait in some ways it has made me a better man. I am patient, a better listener, more giving of myself  and most of all a positive thinker. My appreciation and patience for other peoples quirks has gotten to the point where truly no blame exists in my heart. All this comes from letting go of the nonsense. What I can suggest to you is that when you get super pissed at some situation that is out of your control, take a minute to reflect about what is really happening. You got cut off at a light, some asshole didn't signal so you are ready to throw rocks at their car. Some one cut the line at the movie theater, getting their popcorn like a full two minutes before you. Now of course there is plenty that will still piss me or any sane human off, it is just simpler to let it go. Why waste the time in your day to spend one second reflecting on those who are simply less enlightened. Burdened down by the minutia in life is no way to live, find something you love and do it. Enjoy the the simplest things around you, the free stuff like a great conversation with someone you barely know. What ever it may be just let go of the trivial, embrace the light side of the moment while never letting yourself succumb to the petty bullshit that can come out of no where and ruin a perfectly great day.

  I am not perfect nor do I have any insight to how this works for everyone, for me right here and right now, my new found insight to letting go of the unneeded emotion of contempt or anger at some trivial bullshit is working great.

This blog thing requires that my commitment to it stay constant, I will be adding links to sites that you may find interesting. I have enabled comments so if you choose to leave any and can't email me right away at scottvslivercancer@gmail.com . Or email me just to say hello

Scott VS Liver Cancer
Scott

One of the things that people tell me when they find out I have Cancer is that I do not look sick. I am so lucky to be in this position, so far into this not visibly ill. You see the cancer patient who is ravaged by Chemo, the disease with all it brings along. Often a patient is so filled with Chemo & other meds that the needed treatments cause so many shit side effects their general condition is rough. Appearance is often the first to go, losing hair weight and muscle tone. This is a result of what is called systematic therapy, IV Chemotherapy, Radiation and who knows what else. Dr #1 started me on Carpolplatin mixed with some other nasty stuff in bag, he was not very optimistic about my future. It was an instant road to feeling very bad.

When a person finds out they have Cancer it’s not like you can ever forget when you heard it first. Some people get the news from the family Doc. Some believe it or not hear it from a receptionist reading back results. Yet others must hear like a movie where the Dr. calls you in with the family and everyone sits on the edge of the chair, while Doc say we will do everything we can the team is in place fear not!

My experience was quite different almost humorous for sure surreal, it was week two of my extended hospital stay with a bacterial infection from kidney stones that have been plaguing me for months prior. A sharp attending physician ordered a biopsy of a troublesome spot on my Liver, when I asked him what he thought it was prior to the biopsy he said no idea. This lead to the slippery slope of Ok what is the worst case, he says Cancer but there are hundreds of things between a spot and Cancer. So I get the biopsy from a German Dr. with square glasses playing classic rock (fool in the rain played) while he took a really long tool that captured a piece of the spot. You’re awake for that deal, ultrasound and a big claw like needle thing the classic rock, German Doc low lighting strange but painless.

The time when you know things are wrong is when tests take too long to come back.* The Dr said that biopsy results take two days, mine took six. So now on my third week in the hospital around six o’clock is when we get the news. The details are just as surreal as the rest of this ride, that story is for another day. What is important to this is how after four and a half years with Stage 4 Liver Cancer how I still look decent and function daily. It is due to the treatments I receive, a resection, Sirs Microspheres or Y90, Chemoembolization and mostly Oral Chemo as opposed to a systematic regiment of Chemo and or radiation. My luck is strange, on the one side I have Liver Cancer the other is I function very well for a long term Cancer patient.

So in this part of Scott Vs Liver Cancer, Scott’s winning on several fronts: Outlived the original Diagnosis, still on my feet with more hair than ever. I have the energy to do life.

Scott Vs Liver Cancer

5/11/12

Thanks so much

Scott

So Why Now?

The opening shot

So Why Now?

        It has been over four years since the Dr. informed me that indeed the spot on my Liver was Cancer, not some innocuous fatty tissue or bruise but Stage 4 Metastatic Adenocarcinoma. Of course now my experiences have taught me what that really means while at the time I had no idea, really not a clue. I thought there were ten stages so 4 was under the 50% mark, people beat cancer all the time it would be dealt with that's that. Over four years later it's time to share what my experiences, my hope is that others can gain insight. My friends can see what state of mind, health and body that I am in. So many people just have a hard time communicating with that eight hundred pound gorilla sitting in the room. Therapeutically my explanation to what it is like to live under what can feel like impending doom. (I smiled big when I wrote that).

  This is the rub only 5% of all Liver Cancer patients make it past 5 years, the way I feel now is that 5 years is going to come and go with me still here. The multiple treatments, surgeries & medications have all done their job, not perfectly but enough to extend my life, allowing the Dr’s to treat my condition like a chronic disease rather than a fatal one. I have learned how deadly Cancer is, seeing others succumb within months. This is just reality, this is very important for any sick person to know the reality of the situation they face. When you learn what is possible you can mentally prepare for what’s coming.

  

  Right after I was diagnosed Patrick Swayze announced that he had Pancreatic Cancer, my ignorance at the time led to some dark thoughts about his reality. My initial emotional response was frustrating, here was a guy who not only had unlimited resources but great Dr's will seek him out to try saving him, I would be seeking out Dr's who would just get me a Pet Scan (my first Dr told me it was unnecessary treatment). So pissed off at Patrick Swayze for him getting Cancer Care that I couldn't yet not even understanding how deadly his disease was. When he died I wept like a baby, if he could not beat it how can I?

Four years and several months later, my luck is holding. I feel good more days than not, my spirit is strong while whatever treatment is presented will be pursued. My family is close by, too much distance between myself and many people that are dear to me, this has to change. This Blog is going to help with that, Patrick may be keeping baby out of corners, while making sure Demi is getting through her crisis but I owe him. His terrible tragedy taught me that it is not the money or the access to Dr’s, it is a mix of luck chasing down the right care while staying positive that you will keep pushing every day.

  Thanks for reading this I hope that you get something good from this one day, I will try to keep it interesting so stick with me.

Scott VS Liver Cancer