This is the story of the first time I got Stoned, in the kidney!

What to write about, this is the fourth time sitting down, looking at the computer, putting my chain of consciousness to “paper” in the last couple of days. Politics, the coming zombie apocalypse (see Miami man eats face of other man) that dude really eat the other guys face! Another was just sad about dead people; OK some of those are really sweet stories about very brave Cancer victims for another day.

          So why not take the self deprecating funny route today, maybe just to me but comical missteps of me and kidney stones. My first experience with kidney stones started without warning, surreal at first then shocking. As with all good stories that start at the urinal, this one has a slight prologue. I was working at a Car dealership, after leaving another for a management position. My job there was called a Closer, the asshole that comes out when you say no to the inept salesperson who showed you the car. The salesmen whom sweated running around the building to find the one with leather in pewter, but they bring back a red one without a sunroof. Yup that’s me talking you into the red one because that one fits in your monthly budget. Yea I know you can see me doing that, well selling cars doesn’t make me a used car salesman, just a man who sold used cars!

    Now back to the stones, so standing at the pee tower, as a woman I knew called them, looking down at the stream of red, blood red talking True Blood red not that watered down orange. This never happened to me before, at that point in my life for the most part my health was very strong. Overweight, but for the most part still the young bull who hung with the best of them. It was 8:15, the sale meeting started at 8:30. My goal was to do the meeting and run to get a Dr. then the pain kicked in, straight to the Hospital I went.

          At the hospital they told me right away at the counter checking in, ohh honey you get them stones, me “Stones” she then explained what stones were. They take me in the back, CAT SCAN blood test, some very nice Dilaudid that made my cheeks warm, took away the pain and made it all bearable. Dilaudid is a hell of a drug, if you have kidney stones. After some time they sent me home scheduling an appointment for the next morning for Lithotripsy a procedure that requires you to be out under while they shake the shit out of the stones into small pieces so they can fish out the biggest ones while you expel the smaller ones later, at least they hope.

          So surgery day, at this time it was only my second time being put under. It was very nerve-racking, even though they give you drugs to calm you before you go in. Now remember what this is you in a hospital, in surgery with a room full of personnel, both Nurses doctors even some other random who knows what they do. Enough people that you realize you are about to display while unconscious, the most precious of body parts as well as the most vulnerable to the room. They in turn will stick a camera with a basket up, in and out, in again then out then back in as many times until it becomes too cloudy to see or they feel they retrieved the spiky little (relative people) bits of rock that you made. Think about that, they are like a short in the system no matter what it is a betrayal of the body to the mind. Yes we eat shitty food that causes stones, our body should know better. Brain says Ok let’s eat and be merry, do stuff that’s fun, makes you smile cause joy! Now the body, asshole that it is say’s hey brain “So you want to play, I’ll show you” and the body cuts off its nose to spite its face followed by a swift kick in the junk.

                  Recovery Room 1 :

       This was the best recovery ever in the many surgeries since then, around twelve procedures that required me being put under anesthesia. Four of them were lithotripsy, only once by this Quack son of donkey sadistic short savage. Up until this time Dr. Frankenstein had only talked to me when highly medicated or in extreme pain. In recovery he was kind; polite explained to me that he “got em all”. Cool two days in the hospital maybe one, then home to recover from the extremely draining experience. When lithotripsy is done they leave a stent in you to allow any pieces that need to pass, keep your urethra open so you can pee until the swelling subsides. The stent is attached to a black cord that is hanging out of the place it can only hang out from. I can barely keep a loose dollar in my pocket without dropping it this as puts a string in me for two weeks. The string is like sewing thread, needless to say it falls out causing me, big pause ,,,,,nothing because it slips my mind completely! My two week appointment comes up when he tells me about the dam string again, so in my simple mind this is simple you pee it out or it melts away like stitches, uh uh no dice pal. Mini Frankenstein explains, “It takes about five minutes, we do it in the office with a *(^&*9- which translates to a spear gun looking device with a long cable and on the end it has a Claw looks like a crane game claw, Colombo like he then turns and says oh I forgot it has a camera too. Recap: long wire, claw camera looks like a spear gun that shoots water up in you so it is comfortable.

    We decide to do it in two days as there was no way it was happening right there as a violation while having Propafal pumped in you is one thing. Wide awake before a work day is whole different thing, even though it’s a five minute deal, just a little pressure said that short lying IMP said. I get myself prepared but not really because there is nothing that rolled through my thoughts that made it easier.

Appointment day 9:30 am, usual wait then escorted to a room and told to disrobe waist down, no gown or modesty apron nothing but me and this chair with stirrups. Ladies you know the chair, except this one was old and sturdy like a electric chair. Sorry in advance for the mental image; in the chair open to the Dr. the two young nurses in the room, attractive at that one of which thankfully was looking me in the eyes to give me breathing instructions. WTF is going on is all that is going through my head, clench my teeth while staring at the ceiling. A critical mistake-my eyes betray me, open up and see the device a spear gun with a single scoop, a long thin wire with water shooting out, shit is about to as the kids say get real. I feel a pressure plenty while my bladder is filling beyond what they do, then the wire sliding down shooting water causing more pressure. The water is filling me up the claw is in with the camera, Frankenstein says “Calm down your making this hard” ten minutes in to a five minute procedure. Stomach in my throat all while my package has a spear gun attached with a short now angry savage peering thru a scope, just like a rifle scope with a savage Hobbit at the trigger. So after fifteen minutes of cast and retrieve this guy yelling at me, I kid not he had his foot up and was tugging, each tug pulling the entire region up and away, spear gun attached nurses shushing me him saying that I needed to calm down, the scene was now just chaos.

    Mercifully or maybe due to the tone in my voice he stopped pulling released the weapon, meekly saying it would be best if he did this in the hospital. I throw on my pants and tell them to have the nurse call me with the time and place. Hobbled, heading to the car my bladder cuts loose pissing myself uncontrollably till I drop trough in the parking lot making a puddle of very dark looking stuff. Back to the start pissing blood, only in a parking lot my life at this point is a Horror movie.

                Quick recap:  

Pee blood at work, get lithotripsy, lose string to stent and get severely violated by a mad dwarf with medieval weaponry starts me racing across town to the furthest ER possible.

    Here is the new mental image my shirt is pulled out of my slacks, tie around my shirt loosely hanging sweating profusely while obviously recently pissing myself. Bursting into the ER across the county as far as I was willing and able to go. Rather than safety my honesty caused e to be set up. These Dr’s who have a sadistic side to them, my seemingly sympathetic Dr. after hearing my story quickly called Dr. Hobbit Frankenstein, then instructing me to proceed to the ER right next to the Hobbits office, the one I just ran away from not where the spear gun is and the voice of Dr. Putz pulling at my junk telling me it is my fault, I needed to be calmer.

  Get to the Hospital; promptly get admitted for surgery that very evening. The Dr. Savage comes in, proceeds to yell at me for talking in a loud tone to his office manager, never happened causing him and I yet more tension! Going back to the O.R. ,a now familiar scene a room filled with now familiar masks. Who knows who is under that mask by the way, what if you’re in public and they see you. You do not know what they look like or who they are, yet they know you the dope that lost his string, the one hanging out of his penis, as  she chuckles to her girlfriend.

Recovery 2:

                     This was easy, not as the last time but they keep you pain free almost and bundled up like a baby only this time a catheter, nothing fun about Kidney stones-funny for sure fun, well not so much. Here is the punch line. DR Hobbit “Savage” Frankenstein is hopping up and down next to my gurney shaking a jar that was reminding me of a baby rattler. In the jar was a string, black string with what in his word was “BARNACLES”! This guy was pulling this string with all his gusto trying to drag those “BARNACLES” out of a hole that was never meant to pass anything put warm liquid. Moral if there is one besides avoid stones, don’t lose the string ever no matter what’s it is attached too.

Scott VS Liver Cancer

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